So I was texting with a friend today and she informed me that a mutual acquaintance had recently died. As our conversation went on she shared about some letters this woman left behind to a man (she devoted years of her life to). The letters were about the ways he let her down. She shared, "He really hurt her. The letters she wrote were written so well. She described what he promised and what he did not deliver..." Of course, I feel sadness for her, but it made me reflect about the state of my life and the recent end of my third marriage. That is correct. I have been married and divorced a whopping THREE TIMES, and stories like this reinforce my decisions to walk away.
This woman was once a star athlete who got entangled with the wrong guy, and five children later, he married another woman--one of the many women he cheated with and had a dozen other children with during their courtship. Their ongoing interactions lowered her to a drug addiction and domestic violence arrests among a world of other events and circumstances I care not to go into further detail about. As I went on to think about her and this experience, I realized that while it is undoubtedly a sad story, no man is responsible for the hell you allow him to take you to/through.
Sure there is the initial shock of learning that someone you have opened your heart to is not who you thought they were; however, once someone shows you who they are, if you continue on with the relationship, you are not their victim. You are a victim of yourself. Like her, I too invited men in my life who hurt me, and I am responsible for the time that I allowed their lies, deceit, and abuse to continue. We have to take responsibility for the pain we cause ourselves when we choose not to let go and move on. I can not reasonably be mad at any man for the time I wasted.
In order to prevent the repetition of this cycle of brokenness, I had to own the fact that I undervalued myself and made poor decisions. I now know for sure that I had no business marrying those men. I ignored the warning signs and stayed in the bad relationships anyway. It was my choice to marry men who had demonstrated that they were liars and cheaters. The best predictor of future behavior is current/past behavior. They did not trick me. They behaved in a manner that was consistent with who they always were. I will not deny anyone the right to change for the better or improve in the future but this is who they were at that time.
I was a victim of my own low self esteem and lack of self worth--period. When I took myself to counseling demanding to know, "What is wrong with me?!" I was looking for answers around why I continued to perpetuate this destructive pattern in my life with unworthy men, so we did the work.
Here are some of the lessons I learned.
-I'm a visionary. I look at most people and situations and see potential. This character trait does not work with dating and marriage. You must accept people for who they are. If they grow and change for the better, great, but if they never change a single behavior in the now, they are not worthy. I will no longer date/marry for potential. No more projects.
-My coding/definition/understanding of love was broken. I have a wonderful father. He loves and adores me to this day; however, when I was growing up, he had some personal struggles that impacted his behavior toward his family. I grew up in a very toxic environment. While he did say and send messages of how beautiful, smart, and brilliant I was almost daily. There were days and times where I was physically, emotionally, and verbally violated in ways that no little girl should ever experience. It taught me that love hurts and sends mixed messages.
-In addition to these traumatic and volatile experiences, I learned from my mother to tolerate it and stick around well past the expiration date. Abuse and disrespect were standard in our home, When I grew up, I allowed men to treat me as though my own needs for love, belonging, and well-being did not matter. I continued her pattern. I too stayed in relationships when I should have cancelled Christmas on those ninjas as soon as they showed their asses.
Hurting people hurt people. I am not mad at my dad or my mom. They both have/had their issues of childhood trauma to overcome that contributed to their dysfunction, and I know with every fiber of my being that they never intended to do harm. Despite the tragedy of my childhood experiences, they are not responsible for any of what I went through. In order to heal and break the cycle though, I had to find the root causes of the mess I was creating in my life. The same is true for the men who have hurt me. They likely had bad coding and issues that impact(ed)/perpetuate(d) their behaviors.
I learned the hard way through some costly lessons that there are financial, emotional, and physical consequences for not heading for the hills at the first sign of foolishness. Do I have regret? Of course, but I also have wins. I have five beautiful children who anchor me and bring me the greatest joy and pride I have ever known. There is no love like being a mother, and I am grateful to have wonderful children despite past pain. We love each other unconditionally, and I pray that despite any dysfunction they may have witnessed, they have also watched me choose me, dust myself off and keep moving forward. They know that I am human, and I make mistakes. We have long since adopted Brene Brown's Parenting Manifesto.
Have I felt shame? Yes, indeed. I have heard the jokes and talk about how many times I have changed my last name. I have had "friends" say hurtful things like, "Garland, you must be crazy...you know people don't know when they're crazy!" Yeah, I'm crazy...like a fox ;o). My clap back for that is I've been married three times. You need to figure out why you can't seem to do it once--with the side eye and head tilt we love to give when saying "I was waitin' on you at the door!" Don't come for me--lol.
I have no hard feelings toward love and marriage. I'm a grown ass woman, and love and marriage are not to blame for my circumstances. Like Celie said in the Color Purple, "...Dear God, I'm here!" I'm determined to live my best life, and I hope you are too. Shame and fear will not rule or ruin me. I have learned to choose my pain. I can choose the pain of remaining in a dead situation or choose the pain of leaving . One of them heals with time. When I leave this world, I will not be writing any letters that give a man credit for the state of my health and affairs.
Real love does not hurt. As Oprah put it in her book What I Know For Sure, "Real love feels good. Not just some of the time but most of the time. It should involve bringing all of who you are to the table and walking away with even more." Whoever has the honor of loving me in the future and having me as his wife, will do right by me because I now know that it is my responsibility to require it--no exceptions. I wish you healing and wholehearted love, starting with that which you give yourself. Choose to forgive and live.
Keeping it real, true, and free,
Garland Darling