I just had one of those Aha moments that forced me to snatch my computer out—immediately! Given my work, I have adopted a lot of children in the form of students, alums, and employees. The ideas for this blog came as a result of a check-in with one of my adult sons who is in the latter years of college and transitioning into his own space as a young man. We were dialoguing, and he mentioned that he didn’t feel too good about his money management ability. I decided that was a good time to bring up some information that came to me about a sharp young lady he is now dating, “Is she good at that…money management?” I went on, “If so, that should strengthen your consideration of a future with her... You want someone who complements your weaknesses…or makes you better.”
A big wide grin spread across his face as he took in my knowing about this conquest. He is a very good boy or should I say young man, who is known for being professional and extremely gracious in his role. Up to now, I believe he thought he was keeping this relationship under wraps. As we went deeper in our discussion about his newfound love, I decided to lean in on him courting her with intention, which led us into conversation about the topic that men love to act so afraid of, settling down/committing to a real relationship—dun, dun, dun, dunnnn. He was heading out for the day, but I gave him three points to take with him until our next “check-in”.
It is not good for man to be alone. Genesis 2:18 reads “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Try as we may to justify it for whatever purposes we tell ourselves (or try to tell the women you want to string along without commitment), it wasn’t in God’s plan for us to belabor or glorify being single.
Two are better than one. Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 reads “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves… That’s pretty self explanatory.
My last point to him was, “You know son, life and and love are what we make them.” And that’s when the resounding cymbals went off in my head because of a few conversations I’ve had this week with other single men and women.
“Life and love are what we make them” are difficult words to accept when things don’t turn out the way we had in mind. The pain of losing touch with the life we thought up for ourselves can seem insurmountable and leave you reeling in feelings of hopelessness and regret. And who wants to take responsibility for creating something that resulted in their own pain? It is much easier to blame the other and then develop a new plan in reaction to whatever heartbreak life has seemingly dealt you. Right? These feelings lead us down a path to protect ourselves and prevent this kind of pain from ever happening again. We say/decide things like “Marriage is not for me” or “I will never marry again.” It sounds safe except sometimes our solution is worse than our problem and flies in the face of the divine/intimate connection we were created to truly have and desire. We could be staring God’s answer to our prayers in the face, and whether subconscious or otherwise, we find a way to sabotage or opt out. I’ve done that.
I call bullshyt.
I’m not calling bullshyt on our pain or even on the desire to protect ourselves from repeating patterns. I call bullshyt on the notion that in this one area of your life we turn into a powerless man or woman. We have to avoid accepting conclusions that are inconsistent with the man/woman we claim to be. The same people who push faith and determination in one breath, killing the game in every other area of life, abandon their powerful mindsets, affirmations, and their strength of will/character when it comes to love? That’s convenient, but it’s bs. Why should you stop being a creator when it comes to love?
If everything happens for a reason or at least for the good of the believer (Romans 8:28), why give it up around companionship? All of a sudden these titans of human beings delegate the happenings in this area of their life to some cosmic force (because it’s not God) that may or may not lend itself to allowing you to be successful in love. Dirty and clean water can’t flow from the same spring (see James 3:11-13), so which is it? Or is this the mindset that suits your desire to play…it safe? If you read my piece on love being confused, then you know how I think/feel about that. Do you!
But don’t tax love and relationships with your own decision to give up or fail at it. We fail in our professions and other areas of our lives, yet we get back up and try again. If we can be resilient in those markets, we can do it for love. Own your shyt. Do your work. Get your healing. But stop beating up on love and marriage.
He who finds a wife finds a good thing,
And obtains favor from the Lord.
Have we made mistakes? Sure. Have we made bad choices? Of course. I more than anyone. But I refuse to blame love for my errors in decision-making. There are lots of reasons why relationships go bad, but humans are behind those reasons and not the idea/institution of love and marriage. Love is good for you, and it may be the very thing that either puts you back on your feet or winning in an even bigger way.
As I’ve heard a great man say with regards to his marriage, “Find your wife, find your life.”
Keeping it real, true, and free,
Garland Darling
1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.