I was checking out at Wal-Mart this week, and this magazine caught my eye. I purchased a copy because I feel connected to the title and the people on the cover. I too struggle with depression. I am no expert on the subject. I just live with it, and I battle with the weight that it carries sometimes daily. I am undoubtedly blessed and no where near as known or successful as Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain were, but I can imagine that the burden to hide your pain becomes heavier with their degree of success.
Contrary to what some may believe, success is not an eraser for your human condition. Achievement can be a mask that gets forced upon you by people who admire you and mean well. However, a great career or a lucrative financial position does not change the fact that depression is still there and its affects very real. I am not sure why sadness gets such a bad rap. Disney Pixar nailed this in their movie "Inside Out". It is a must see--even (maybe especially) for adults. Sadness is a legitimate human emotion, and it serves a purpose. Perhaps creating safe(r) spaces for people to be honest will prevent their suffering from lasting in ways that take them to such detrimental extremes. Our ignorance about the reality and intensity of the pain caused by depression has to end to prevent sadness from deepening into despair and isolation.
It has taken me some years to get to the place I am now. A place where I tell the truth about my pain regardless of the judgement that can follow when you answer questions like, "How are you..." honestly. I thank God for the courage that enables me to let those around me know when I am not doing okay. Still, there are spaces where being guarded and pretending to have everything under control are prerequisites for being considered respectable and sane. I am not mentally ill because of my depression, and I reject that label. That label may be responsible for the negative stigmas we have recently begun to challenge as a society in response to the tremendous losses we are undergoing. Robin Williams' suicide had to be one of the hardest for me to swallow.
Who did not love Robin Williams?! In my eyes, he will remain among the best to ever do this life. The laughs and the hope his work brings about will live in infamy. Still, he died broken and alone. How does this happen? But for my faith and my personal coping mechanisms, sadly, I know exactly how... A 1-800 number should not be the only place where we allow people to tell the truth--without judgement.
The worst part about the condemnation that can follow speaking truth is that it typically comes from people who believe they care about you. No matter how low I may find myself, I know how important it is to watch my mouth about the extent of the torture I may be experiencing mentally and emotionally. Whether it is in a doctor's office where they stop in the middle of a rushed triage to awkwardly recite their lines, "I have to ask you this...have you had thoughts of hurting yourself..." Sometimes it seems unclear whether or not they truly give a damn, but we all know why we hesitate to answer those question honestly--for fear of being slammed with serious repercussions--the freedom snatching, institutionalizing kind. The silencing is not much different when you are chatting with a friend who claps back with an audible sigh and eye roll that you can see through the phone, seeming to say, "Get over it already..." Even worst is the well-meaning person of faith who insists that "This too shall pass..."
As a person who lives and battles with this condition, I beg to differ. Certainly there are times when the load is much easier to carry, and there are any number of ways you can distract yourself from emotional pain (some healthy...others not so much), but clinical depression does not just pass. You can't work it off or pray it away. I liken the looming cloud of sadness that can sometimes follow you to the tormenting of John Nash, a man experiencing schizophrenia, in the movie "A Beautiful Mind". Despite the agony, I have learned to put a number of things and people in play in an effort to keep the waves of depression from overwhelming me. That said, there are times when I need to feel my sadness to heal through some hurtful season or event in my life.
Let's face it, some shyt is just sad and it is healthy (not ill) to process your pain. Losing loved ones, divorcing, being rejected, betrayal, failing, or facing an illness that is attacking your body and limiting your quality life hurts. It just does. These things can leave us broken in ways that only time will make bearable. I am so over people acting like there is something wrong with acknowledging your wounds. Do you have to let them own you, name you, or control you? No, but one should not be expected to pretend to be all fixed up despite being ran over by a proverbial 16 wheeler, when try as they may, they will never be exactly the same again.
It is unfair to tell people that they are unworthy of happiness and belonging UNTIL/UNLESS they go somewhere and get perfect. Is it possible that the connection they would receive from unconditional love will help them heal? Even if you choose not to believe the latter for yourself, you don't have the right to judge/reject people who do and force them into being deemed incomplete, unhealthy, wrong, or bad. Their belief is just different than yours, and aren't we entitled to our own? Brene Brown has a cartoon on how to empathize with people that everyone should watch. Rather than making one another feel ashamed or inadequate, we can learn how to empathize, sincerely. Loving and accepting one another as we are might just be the answer to realizing the peace we are searching for.
I have decided to share some of the ways I navigate my depression. First and foremost, I own it. Denial benefits no one. I have theories about the root of my depression (childhood trauma, abuse, etc.). Figuring out how or where negative coding may have taken place, can help with reprogramming and silencing internal negativity. But you don't have to feel guilty if you don't know, and you should not be compelled to lie about any part of who you are. Everybody has a story, and everybody is dealing with something. Pay attention to the channel you are on, and when things get gloomy and doomy, depending on the severity, you can borrow any/all of these strategies to change the station.
-The people who love me know I battle depression. My children know, my family knows, and my close friends know. They don't judge. They listen. They check on me, and they come around to help me feel better. You have to tell the people who love you what you are struggling with so that they can recognize your smoke signals and respond when necessary.
-I have a group of prayer partners I can text on a whim (without explanation or nosey questioning). I feel their prayers lifting me almost immediately when I make a request, but I have to be willing to communicate. My text may be as simple as, "Hey, I'm feeling low. Will you pray for me?"
-I watch funny movies and comedians who help me laugh at my pain. Laughter is medicine.
-I exercise in ways that I enjoy. No matter how sluggish or rebellious I may feel at the start of a workout. I always feel better in the end. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins. Endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. They also trigger a positive feeling within the body. It helps to find something you actually like doing. There is something, find it.
-At work, I turn on Pandora's Motown Station in my office (insert any upbeat genre of music that gives you good feels).
-Sometimes I cry it out and talk about my feelings with trusted folks. You can do this with a therapist or a life coach. A dear friend's grandmother used to tell us when we were much younger, you get 24 hours to feel bad and then we need to come up with a plan/solution together. Having another person to help you process and plan is critical when your mind/emotions can mislead you in the wrong state.
-I have a friend who is gentle, yet firm, and she is great at telling me the truth if/when I am processing my feelings the wrong way or just getting carried away in a storm of negativity, entitlement or self pity. She helps me see myself and what I may be contributing to a relationship or situation I am deeming negative.
-Slowing down helps when you need to. There are days/seasons when I deliberately take things one day at a time or one moment at a time. Do your best, rest, and start over when you need to.
-I have a list of audio books saved on my phone that I can play in the car or listen to anywhere with uplifting messages (Oprah's What I Know for Sure; Brene's The Gifts of Imperfection; and the list goes on). There are great podcasts, Ted Talks, and ministries that can do the trick as well. Bishop TD Jakes has a two part series on dealing with depression. I'm sure it's on you tube by now--lol. Faith comes by hearing...
-I go to my doctor and get a prescription when I feel stuck and I need help to get going or take the edge off things. There is nothing wrong with seeking medical intervention. Don't give in to stereotypes about taking medication. They can find something that works for you, and it usually doesn't take much.
-I make time to express my truth creatively, read books for pleasure, and do other things I enjoy. Puppies and babies are cute, but they are also a lot of work. If you need a fix, visit a pet shop or a nursery in need of volunteers.
-I worship, pray, and meditate.
-I rest when I am tired.
-I say no to things I don't enjoy doing or just don't want to do.
-I avoid negative people and situations like the plague. Protecting your space and the energy you allow in is not optional. I remove myself from environments that drain or hurt me.
-I post written messages to myself in my car, in my bedroom, and in my office. One of my favorites this past year is a quote and important reminder from Alexandra Elle:
"You deserve to be in spaces and relationships that make you happy; that feed your soul and help you grow. You are worthy of connections that are loving, nourishing and genuine. Before you settle for anything less than, remind yourself that the places you visit and people you journey through life with should make you feel safe, loved, and enough."
-I watch "The Secret". It's on Netflix, and I have it on audio book as well.
-I hold myself accountable for communicating my feelings, and I invite others to repair any damage they may have caused when it makes sense. I strive to be reflective and take responsibility for the role I play(ed) in any given circumstance. However, I no longer believe that being abused, undervalued, or overlooked is an ask from God. If it is, it is not my ministry. I have can and do freely forgive, but forgiving someone does not mean they get a license to keep hurting me and recycling pain that demeans my self worth. Some people have to be loved from a distance, so I ask God to bless them...away from me.
-When I see someone struggling with depression. I address it. I will never forget inviting a teacher into my office as a principal and closing the door for a "check-in". She sat before me weeping, and it was obvious that she was not in a good place. Before leaving, I had her call her doctor and make an appointment. Despite the obvious emotional meltdown she was having in front of her boss, she initially resisted and wanted me to accept the okie doke "I'm okay." Which, I refused. Clearly, she was not okay, and we both knew it. Years later, she thanked me and shared about how that day was a positive turning point in her life and career. She was beaming and presenting as a whole new woman. We have to make time to care about people, and sometimes those of us who know this pain are best suited to recognize it and extend a hand that says, "It's okay that you're not okay. I love you, and we can do something about this together."
Some of these things may seem simple, but they have the potential to be life-altering. Through all of them, I practice and affirm love toward Garland (myself). There are no magic bullets for depression, but I hope these things can help a person in need. Even when I am depressed, I know for sure that I am enough. I am a whole person, and I am worthy of having love reciprocated. I know that God loves me as I am because of who He is, and I will allow no one to take His love and acceptance from me. The same is true for you! You are a divine creation, beautifully and wonderfully made. You are not alone, and you are worth it (it= whatever you need to do, spend, or invest to feel better and journey forward)!
Keeping it real, true, and free,
Garland Darling
