So I'm watching this interview on television one night where a scene flashes and the lovely Cardi B. is responding to criticisms about her getting pregnant as a budding star. Cardi was being attacked and being made to feel guilty in the media about getting pregnant--despite her resources and pending nuptials. She repeated more than once (appearing to be in disbelief), "Why can't I have both? Why do I have to choose?" Let's be clear, Cardi B. does not have to choose, so find another angle, Haters. Even the bible says that money answereth all things. If you have the resources, being a working mom is perfectly feasible. If one can afford to hire supplemental folks to fill in the gaps, that work will inevitably create, she will do just fine balancing both. Add to this that she likely makes/controls her own schedule. It seems like a no-brainer to me.
So then I started thinking about us, regular working moms, maybe even single, who don't have endless resources to ease the load in our attempts to balance life. Can we have both? Can we be great moms and successful career women? Do WE have to choose? I mean has anyone without seven figures mastered the disaster that life can feel like when you have to leave work in the nick of time to beat the traffic to beat the 'Loser Mom' light that starts flashing a minute after the daycare's closing time. You can just visualize your baby waiting for his late mommy at the glass window like that monkey waiting for pick up in that meme...that last kid whose mother has not arrived on time. Let me just say that meme has to be one of the realest. I have been there. I know the feelings of guilt, failure, and defeat that rush in instantly when you feel like you're letting your kid down. "Here I am coming up short--once again." <Insert hand slap on head emoji> We immediately begin questioning ourselves around whether or not we are failing because we can't and will never be worthy of the picturesque glorified "room mom" title...as long as we want to stay sane and keep the lights on at home.
I am a mother of five. My first child was born when I was sixteen yours old--just out of the tenth grade. I have literally been a mother my ENTIRE adult life. As much as I loathe doing this, Let me just preface/qualify/explain just this once how much I love my kids. They keep me alive. They are my motivation, and I have the deepest respect, love, and admiration for each of them. There is no love like being a mother. A friend once told me, "Having a child is like having your heart walk outside of your body." We pour all of our hope and our resources into those little people. My big baby is twenty three and has made me a grandmother at forty (that's for a different blog post--insert agonizing emoji), and my youngest is three years old. He has opened a new chapter in my life as a child experiencing autism spectrum disorder (still a whole 'nother different blog post). Bottom line--I love their guts. There is no me without them.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way... They are also the reason why I'm broke half the time and can't get a good night's sleep the other half. I have three girls in college and two little boys at home. My baby boy (whose dad insists he will not pay child support unless it is court ordered--still a whole 'nother 'nother different blog post. Shyt is about to get real on 4Colored Women) gets private speech therapy, needs full time daycare and a lunch and snack packed every day. I can barely make it out of the front door to my car in the morning without feeling like I'm rushing through the airport with fourteen suitcases, pushing a baby stroller and dragging a car seat! I can check nine times before I walk out and SOMEHOW I manage to leave something. Either it's my water bottle, my lunch, my coffee, my gym bag, my make up (do it in the car) or something that I NEED. If you think I'm going to get out of this car, go back in the house, and get whatever the hell I left while I'm sitting here sweating and panting from managing to load up my car while carrying a kid with a tablet, I've got some land I want to sell you. Maybe this is only my crazy life?! If it is, just don't tell me.
So here's the kicker. Even with that fiasco being a fraction of the mayhem that goes on in a day, I believe I have both. I believe I am a successful career woman and a successful mother. Somewhere between Oprah, Iyanla, Joyce Meyer, T.D. Jakes, Brene Brown, Glennon Melton Doyle, and the list goes on, I learned that I am enough. I know for sure that there are even brighter days ahead and that one day I am going to marry my Boaz (like it says on my vision board), and he is going to help me out with some of this stuff. Still, I can say with all of the confidence I can muster that I am a success because I define success for me. It has only taken me twenty years to learn that my both is just that. It is mine. My children get the best version of family, love, and parenting FOR us.
It does not look like a fairy tale or anyone else's. It is a day-by-day experience. I have laid the chains of judgement and comparison down. This is my family's experience, and we are writing our story together. I don't lie to anyone. Some days are better than others. Some days have far more laughs and smiles, but even the days that are rough, are sufficient. I made a promise to my children when they were younger, "Mommy can not always make it for every performance or curriculum night. I am going to miss some things because of responsibilities I have in addition to being your mommy. I will ALWAYS be there when it counts."
Before I arrived in this space of self-acceptance, I used to beat myself up so bad, comparing myself to other women and moms. It was not until I founded a high school and observed the various versions of motherhood my students experienced, yet regardless of the differences among them, for better or for worst, they loved their mothers unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I realized then that this was what my children had been expressing to me all along, "You are perfect for us." Your children will mirror the love, encouragement, affection, and support that you pour into them since the day they arrive in this world. This is not about quantity, it is about quality and authenticity.
Whether I was coming home late at night from doctoral studies or going out for my first leadership position, they were always cheering loudly. I remember them saying, "Go for it, Mommy!" One night on our commute back home when they were younger, I started apologizing to my girls for not being able to be a better mother. They cut me off with a fierce loyalty I will never forget, "You have to be who you are meant to be! You have to go for it because that is who you are! You make me believe I can do anything because my mom has proven it over and over again!" Today, I can proudly say those three young ladies who grew up with me, are all in college doing their thing at some of the best universities this country has to offer. They are indeed going for it, and it is fulfilling to know that I have set one gritty example for them as a woman.
So to you Miss Cardi B and to all of you mothers out there hustling to get all of your important jobs done, give yourself permission to keep it real with your children. Keeping it real is what people end up having respect for. You are creating their best life with them. In my family, we love and laugh hard. We are a team, and it is a critical part of our resilience and success. We always have been, and we always will be. We our doing life together. It is a process that won't be over until God calls us home.
We laugh. We hurt. We cry. We comfort. We triumph. We mourn. We get up again and again, growing and growing and growing. It is life, and I take great pleasure in reminding them that it is their job to outdo me when they become parents. They get to fix whatever they didn't like, so I remind them not to bother complaining. They should write it down so they will have notes to keep them on their toes in the future!
Keeping it all the way real, and true, and free,
Garland Darling
