Clearly I am being facetious in this title. It stems from an email that I consider insulting from a man in my field. Rather than respond and damage my own position, I registered my need to blog my way through this. I held off on the email response bubbling in my soul, because the only result would look like that cartoon where the dragon breathes fire and burns all but one strand of hair off of the character's head. At times, taking some time to respond can be the hardest thing for your ego, but I have found that it is usually the right and best thing to do.
I have not figured out what it is that makes people think (black) women need them to freely tell us what to do (or what they think we should do). I'm sorry, I have only overcome 672 stereotypes, roadblocks, and obstacles to become a leader in my field! Let me grovel at your feet for your willingness to tell me how to do MY job... because I don't have a brain of my own between these two ears. How will I ever repay you for setting me on the right strategic path?! Listen, I am all for humility and being coachable; that is not what this is.
This is about the free advice and orders that are given to women in positions of leadership that reflect a complete disregard for her ability to do the things she gets paid to do. It is about the lack of respect for her voice as an authority in her domain. Maybe it is just me, but ever since my first position in leadership, I have repeatedly encountered this assumption that women leaders need to be rescued, when dealing with common puzzles in the field. Problem-solving is actually a part of a leaders job, and a good leader (yes, even a female leader) knows how to solicit input and consult her peers if/when necessary. I've often wanted to say to a supervisor or report, "Would you feel comfortable saying that to me if I were a white man?" I don't need to though because I know the answer.
It has been my experience that people think they need to bob and weave in and out of my lane to help me get where I am going. The most obnoxious of them all are the young(er), white males who report to you. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into a room having to prove my intellect and my ability. As if they are just handing out leaderships to black women like candy and I might have skipped my place in line. Unfortunately, this has not been my experience. Sadly, I have often been shocked at the lack of equal skill and challenge in white males who have worked alongside me in easier conditions and with more resources. I have had to stand back and watch them be compensated better and promoted into positions of leadership that I busted my ass for.
I can still hear the words of an old boss so clearly, "No one's results compare to yours. No one has been able to accomplish what you have and no one has had to do it under the circumstances you have..." These were his opening statements to explain that I was being passed over yet again. Somehow I thought that busting my ass and producing the data (qualitative and quantitative) was going to be the strongest factor in the decision-making process. It's just a part of being a successful black woman who ascends to higher levels of leadership. So when we claw our way to the table after all of the back stabbing and broken heart episodes, I am quite sure I have earned the right to be there. It just stinks that I still have to navigate a mine field to be safe in my role and organization despite my track record and credentials.
Most days I can just shrug it off, and focus on being grateful for the opportunity. Never mind that we get paid less than our white male counterparts, or that we are expected to inherit the dead weight that our adored white predecessors leave behind and make success. It was okay for them that accountability was relaxed and they lacked the "radical candor" to manage, to grow people, and to deliver results. All of that is irrelevant. But when every one wants to start poking their head in my books and asking me for one asinine report after the other, I just have to accept that they are only kicking the tires because of the leadership change that occurred. Really? After years and years on the job? And still quarter after quarter of the best data a company has ever seen?
Listen, I am open to feedback, constructive criticism, and collaborative leadership. Since my first year of professional employment, I vowed to take all feedback good or bad and use it to make me better. I am completely bought in to servant leadership and creating exceptional work experiences for my teams. But when someone makes it clear to you that they are not listening and will never reciprocate value for your input and ideas, I have trouble just continuing to swallow my dignity and self-efficacy as part of the gig. I also detest the fact that I'm tasked with tip toeing around the way to demand respect lest I be labeled angry or bitter. I have to play crazy with myself and act like I'm not being constantly undermined and disrespected to maintain my success. Much more, I have to drum up some pseudo gratitude to stroke your ego and sense of contribution. Jesus be a fence, sword, and shield!
I have some gratitude alright. I'm grateful that I don't blurt out what I'm thinking right in the male chauvinist moment; "I'm sorry, but did you manage to wake up this morning with a fraction of the sleep everyone else had, chase a three year old around to get him dressed for preschool, pack lunches, drop kids off to school, drive/travel this ungodly commute and then prep and run some of the most efficient and productive meetings you've ever sat in?! I won't be petty and bring up the hair is done, nails are done, and everything is did while I'm walking flawlessly in some damn high heels!" That's not even considered a busy day!
Just face it. We need to tell our truth. There is a thin line between expecting a woman to be humble as their most valuable character trait and keeping from going bat shyt crazy from dealing with ridiculous levels of disrespect above and below them at work. We even get it from other women as well! Women can be the worst to one another. You can pause all of that tribe and women having each other's back y'all be posting facebook. Some of these bitches are straight ruthless in these streets...but I digress (different blog different time).
Where is the humility when they are talking over you, spouting their own obnoxious ideas and ignoring the fact that they are way beyond the boundaries of the pride lands! Wait...I might be confusing something there--lol. Seriously Ladies, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am tired of pressuring myself to be the bigger person while my intelligence and competence are insulted.
Isn't it enough that we make miracles happen with lower pay, limited resources, and shorter life expectancy?! I am so tired of watching people who did not earn their titles/positions play dress up at work-- in some of the most critical roles within an organization. I have sat there many of days restraining that suspicious black woman Kevin Hart jokes about, "CEO...really!?" "Executive Director...really?! I'm digressing again aren't I?
Now I realize this may sound like a rant, and that's because IT IS! It is a big fat and loud rant! I mean God bless the day I strut into the doctor's office and start spouting off diagnoses and treatment plans to patients? That would be crazy right??? When I board an airplane, I don't drop by the cock pit to put in my two cents on the flight plans before taking my seat. So, put some RESPECK on my name. Would it kill you to extend me some trust or respect. You did hire me (and put me through an interview the likes of which no candidate has ever seen in the history of your org...I know just due diligence). What are we to do when we are hired to do a job but not allowed to do it? How do we avoid ruining our careers in an attempt to self-advocate? How does one navigate the meaningless bureaucracy?
Leadership is a real thing, and when you hire a leader one in a thorough hiring process, back off and let them do their job. If you want to butt in on how and what everything needs to be done, hire yourself and save money. And for the love of George, stop the hypocrisy. Don't adopt a separate management style for the (colored) women. It is more than likely that we had to work twenty times harder to get where we are.
Keeping it real, true, and free,
Garland Darling