ON MY FACE
Before I went to bed last night, I decided I needed to lay down in God’s presence and seek him in the most humble way. In my upbringing, I was taught that sometimes you must lay prostrate before the Lord as act of complete surrender. With my face to the ground, expressing adoration and submission, I wept. When I feel most connected to God spiritually, I am usually overwhelmed with tears. Tears of hope, tears of gratitude, tears of faith and of anticipation were penetrating my prayer and intimacy with my heavenly father.
I wanted God to acknowledge the extent of my desire to be right with Him more than anything and to align my mind, will, and emotions to His perfect will. With everything that I have been through in my life, walking in God’s purpose for Garland is a non-negotiable. I don’t believe I have time or space for anymore foolishness. Now, I’m not saying I don’t expect controversy or persecution. I know well that those things are promised to fruitful Christians. I just need to know that I am not experiencing anything as a result of some deviation at the hand of my folly.
Whether things go the way I would like or not, whether I am enjoying where I am or not, I desire to achieve the mindset Paul spoke of in Philippians 4, “11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content…” If Christ is in me and I in Him, I want to reach a place of maturity in my walk where I don’t toss and turn with feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. I want to truly live in a space of self-control and the other fruits of the spirit.
Lately, I have been wrestling with discontent. To put it plainly, I have not been at peace which signals a need for me to search my heart and seek God in a deeper way to find out what is behind the shifting feelings. I know that I am in a season of change, and there are risks and decisions that are likely causing me to feel unsettled. These anxious feelings have been vexing me, and for the reasons I will share below, I know this is not of God.
First, 1 Corinthians 14: 33 For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace…
I use this scripture to filter and discern a lot. God will not send me any opportunity, decision, relationship, etc. that results in my confusion. If it is meant to be good, it will be good. That is different from always feeling good. I know that as well, but I have learned to discern between what I would call righteous pain/anger/frustration vs. that which is destructive/harmful to me in some way.
Next, Philippians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
This is exactly why I was on my face. My own attempts to deal with my mental/emotional state lately have been failing. I feel like a hamster stuck on a wheel, running in circles and going nowhere. I have been unable to sustain my joy, feeling as though it is being snatched from me as quick as it comes and I find myself spinning in some sort of frustration.
Lastly, 2 Timothy 1:7 God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
I can just drop the mic on that one, and if all of this is true, this disturbance of my peace had to stop and my spirit, soul, and body must come into alignment with the word of God. I wasn’t getting there on my own or with worship and teaching, so I went face down to the throne asking God to get his child all the way together.
…
IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT
In the middle of the night, God woke me and made it plain. First he had me think about the time in my life where I felt the most joy and the most stable in my walk. I thought about going through my first divorce. During that time, my personal life was a living hell. Still, I had planted my feet and determined to guard my heart and my joy. My fellowship with God was impenetrable. Regardless of all the turmoil I was dealing with, my peace and my state of mind were intentionally guarded. I was so blessed and so full despite it all. It was as though I was in a bubble and the fiery darts of the enemy just bounced off daily. I resolved to walk in love and be a light come what may. God reminded me of a scripture I know well, the joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). The devil attacks our joy to attack our strength and once he is successful, it is all down hill from there.
Your guard has been up, Garland, but you are not guarding your joy and allowing my love to guide and sustain you. Pain and shame are in the driver seat far too much, and now you are focused on protecting yourself. You don’t want to be hurt, and you don’t want to embarrassed. You don’t want to trust, so your guard is indeed up…but now it is blocking your joy. The hamster wheel you are on is the result of your own double-mindedness, and a double-minded man is unstable in all of his ways. So now you find yourself unstable in your emotions, unable to plant your feet and experience the peace that passes all understanding.
If you trust me and you believe I am that I am, you must exhale the shame and breathe in peace. You must clear your head from all fear and doubt. They are not of me. Live and operate from a place of trust for Me, thinking, speaking, believing, and acting according to what aligns with my word/promises. You can’t protect, Garland. That is my job. Anything you have experienced has been with my permission and nothing will be in vain.
Let it go and go forward knowing that:
-All things work together for the good of them who love God…Romans 8:28.
-Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance…Isaiah 61:7
-Delight thyself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart Psalm 37:4.
I felt it and saw it so plainly, and I repent even now. Either I am in his hand, Either he has numbered the hairs on my head, Either he knows the plans he has for me (to give me hope and a future) or I believe God is a liar. I know for sure this is not true. I know for sure he has been my faithful companion and the lifter of my head. He is Jehovah Rophe, the God who heals, and even as I laid before Him seeking answers, he heard me and met me where I was. Truly, I found the word, and I did eat of it and it was the joy and rejoicing of my soul. I’m on my way up!
As always I share to encourage in case there is anyone who might be in this place as well. As I type, I am weeping again because I know for sure God loves me and I am grateful that nothing can separate me from Him.
Keeping it real, true, and free,
Garland Darling
The Fruits of the Spirit