My Chicago Neighborhood Is Still Scarred 50 Years After MLK’s Assassination, But My Students Give Me Hope

POSTED APR. 19, 2018 IN BETTER CONVERSATION

Fifty years ago, Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee, leading to an uprising in Chicago. The North Lawndale and East Garfield Park neighborhoods experienced most of the destruction in the aftermath of his death.

The neighborhoods still bear the scars of that era. Fire hoses with the water pressure so strong that it tore hair from the scalps of babies who showed an unexplainable courage. Dog bites, ruthless beatings and injustices that leave me in awe of the resolve of those who came before us.

While we’re still seeing the effects of that period today, I see a lot of hope, too. As the president of North Lawndale College Prep, as I look towards the future I can’t help but reflect on the 50 years since Dr. King’s assassination.

Although half a century has passed, North Lawndale continues to be affected by the aftermath of the riots. Buildings, homes and businesses that once existed have become vacant lots and visual reminders of the disinvestment in our community.

Despite all of this, I am hopeful.

WHERE THE HOPE COMES IN

Every day, I have the privilege of serving nearly 700 students in a public charter high school devoted to building our students as learners and as transformational leaders. The recent efforts of our students, advocating for changes in policy and calling attention to the serious tragedies of gun violence in our communities, is a manifestation of North Lawndale College Prep’s vision and mission.

Much more, their partnership with the students in the Parkland community reflects the compassion and empathy North Lawndale strives to model for students in our programming and our relationships. It is so encouraging to see our core values being lived, not only by the adults who commit to take on this work in one of Chicago’s most challenging communities, but also by our students, the future leaders of our country.

As I reflect on the civil rights movement, the activism of our students reminds me of the tremendous courage shown by the youth who partnered with Dr. King in his efforts to heal and change our world for the better.

I SUPPOSE THIS IS THE EVOLUTION OF THE DREAM IN PLACES LIKE NORTH LAWNDALEI suppose it is that childlike faith and bravery that is once again leading us and urging us all to be the best America we can be, one where all children are free—and safe. I suppose this is the evolution of the dream in places like North Lawndale, Englewood and the like.

At times, it can be very easy to lose ourselves in criticizing the entitlement of our youth and revel in the days of old where we believe our values to have been drastically different. Having the opportunity to work alongside passionate educators who give themselves to this work and choose to grapple with all of the challenges that come along with schooling in the urban arena, allows me to witness the promise daily.

This year, the babies I welcomed as ninth graders in 2010 are graduating college, and the invitations to 2018 commencements are rolling in. It’s a testament to how special these students are.

THE TRUTH IS WE CAN DO BETTER IN EDUCATION AND IN MANY OTHER WAYS.The truth is there is hope. The truth is the promise is not so hard to realize. The truth is we can do better in education and in many other ways.

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward,” and it has been said that, “a little child shall lead them.” These students live these quotes every day.

I believe in the leadership of the youth of Chicago and our country at large. I appreciate the reminders they have given me, and I intend to get behind them as they are lighting the path to a hopeful future. There is still a lot of work to be done in North Lawndale, but we need to keep pushing forward.

I encourage us all to put aside politics and work together to bring about more positive change that will allow the young people in the North Lawndale community, and others like it, to reach their full potential. It is a pleasure and a privilege to be at their service.

PHOTO COURTESY OF NORTH LAWNDALE COLLEGE PREP – CHICAGO IL/FACEBOOK.

Breaking News: I was hired because I can do my job!

Clearly I am being facetious in this title. It stems from an email that I consider insulting from a man in my field. Rather than respond and damage my own position, I registered my need to blog my way through this. I held off on the email response bubbling in my soul, because the only result would look like that cartoon where the dragon breathes fire and burns all but one strand of hair off of the character's head. At times, taking some time to respond can be the hardest thing for your ego, but I have found that it is usually the right and best thing to do. 

I have not figured out what it is that makes people think (black) women need them to freely tell us what to do (or what they think we should do). I'm sorry, I have only overcome 672 stereotypes, roadblocks, and obstacles to become a leader in my field! Let me grovel at your feet for your willingness to tell me how to do MY job... because I don't have a brain of my own between these two ears. How will I ever repay you for setting me on the right strategic path?! Listen, I am all for humility and being coachable; that is not what this is.

This is about the free advice and orders that are given to women in positions of leadership that reflect a complete disregard for her ability to do the things she gets paid to do. It is about the lack of respect for her voice as an authority in her domain. Maybe it is just me, but ever since my first position in leadership, I have repeatedly encountered this assumption that women leaders need to be rescued, when dealing with common puzzles in the field. Problem-solving is actually a part of a leaders job, and a good leader (yes, even a female leader) knows how to solicit input and consult her peers if/when necessary. I've often wanted to say to a supervisor or report, "Would you feel comfortable saying that to me if I were a white man?"  I don't need to though because I know the answer.

It has been my experience that people think they need to bob and weave in and out of my lane to help me get where I am going. The most obnoxious of them all are the young(er), white males who report to you. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into a room having to prove my intellect and my ability. As if they are just handing out leaderships to black women like candy and I might have skipped my place in line. Unfortunately, this has not been my experience. Sadly, I have often been shocked at the lack of equal skill and challenge in white males who have worked alongside me in easier conditions and with more resources. I have had to stand back and watch them be compensated better and promoted into positions of leadership that I busted my ass for. 

I can still hear the words of an old boss so clearly, "No one's results compare to yours. No one has been able to accomplish what you have and no one has had to do it under the circumstances you have..." These were his opening statements to explain that I was being passed over yet again. Somehow I thought that busting my ass and producing the data (qualitative and quantitative) was going to be the strongest factor in the decision-making process. It's just a part of being a successful black woman who ascends to higher levels of leadership. So when we claw our way to the table after all of the back stabbing and broken heart episodes, I am quite sure I have earned the right to be there. It just stinks that I still have to navigate a mine field to be safe in my role and organization despite my track record and credentials. 

Most days I can just shrug it off, and  focus on being grateful for the opportunity. Never mind that we get paid less than our white male counterparts, or that we are expected to inherit the dead weight that our adored white predecessors leave behind and make success. It was okay for them that accountability was relaxed and they lacked the "radical candor" to manage, to grow people, and to deliver results. All of that is irrelevant. But when every one wants to start poking their head in my books and asking me for one asinine report after the other, I just have to accept that they are only kicking the tires because of the leadership change that occurred. Really?  After years and years on the job?  And still quarter after quarter of the best data a company has ever seen?

Listen, I am open to feedback, constructive criticism, and collaborative leadership. Since my first year of professional employment, I vowed to take all feedback good or bad and use it to make me better. I am completely bought in to servant leadership and creating exceptional work experiences for my teams. But when someone makes it clear to you that they are not listening and will never reciprocate value for your input and ideas, I have trouble just continuing to swallow my dignity and self-efficacy as part of the gig. I also detest the fact that I'm tasked with tip toeing around the way to demand respect lest I be labeled angry or bitter. I have to play crazy with myself and act like I'm not being constantly undermined and disrespected to maintain my success. Much more, I have to drum up some pseudo gratitude to stroke your ego and sense of contribution. Jesus be a fence, sword, and shield!

I have some gratitude alright. I'm grateful that I don't blurt out what I'm thinking right in the male chauvinist moment; "I'm sorry, but did you manage to wake up this morning with a fraction of the sleep everyone else had, chase a three year old around to get him dressed for preschool, pack lunches, drop kids off to school, drive/travel this ungodly commute and then prep and run some of the most efficient and productive meetings you've ever sat in?!  I won't be petty and bring up the hair is done, nails are done, and everything is did while I'm walking flawlessly in some damn high heels!" That's not even considered a busy day!

Just face it. We need to tell our truth. There is a thin line between expecting a woman to be humble as their most valuable character trait and keeping from going bat shyt crazy from dealing with ridiculous levels of disrespect above and below them at work. We even get it from other women as well! Women can be the worst to one another. You can pause all of that tribe and women having each other's back y'all be posting facebook. Some of these bitches are straight ruthless in these streets...but I digress (different blog different time).

Where is the humility when they are talking over you, spouting their own obnoxious ideas and ignoring the fact that they are way beyond the boundaries of the pride lands! Wait...I might be confusing something there--lol. Seriously Ladies, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am tired of pressuring myself to be the bigger person while my intelligence and competence are insulted.

Isn't it enough that we make miracles happen with lower pay, limited resources, and shorter life expectancy?!   I am so tired of watching people who did not earn their titles/positions play dress up at work-- in some of the most critical roles within an organization. I have sat there many of days restraining that suspicious black woman Kevin Hart jokes about, "CEO...really!?" "Executive Director...really?! I'm digressing again aren't I?

Now I realize this may sound like a rant, and that's because IT IS! It is a big fat and loud rant! I mean God bless the day I strut into the doctor's office and start spouting off diagnoses and treatment plans to patients?  That would be crazy right???  When I board an airplane, I don't drop by the cock pit to put in my two cents on the flight plans before taking my seat. So, put some RESPECK on my name. Would it kill you to extend me some trust or respect. You did hire me (and put me through an interview the likes of which no candidate has ever seen in the history of your org...I know just due diligence). What are we to do when we are hired to do a job but not allowed to do it?  How do we avoid ruining our careers in an attempt to self-advocate?  How does one navigate the meaningless bureaucracy?  

Leadership is a real thing, and when you hire a leader one in a thorough hiring process, back off and let them do their job. If you want to butt in on how and what everything needs to be done, hire yourself and save money. And for the love of George, stop the hypocrisy. Don't adopt a separate management style for the (colored) women. It is more than likely that we had to work twenty times harder to get where we are. 

Keeping it real, true, and free,

Garland Darling 

Cardi B. Can Have Both and So Can Working Moms

So I'm watching this interview on television one night where a scene flashes and the lovely Cardi B. is responding to criticisms about her getting pregnant as a budding star. Cardi was being attacked and being made to feel guilty in the media about getting pregnant--despite her resources and pending nuptials. She repeated more than once (appearing to be in disbelief), "Why can't I have both?  Why do I have to choose?" Let's be clear, Cardi B. does not have to choose, so find another angle, Haters. Even the bible says that money answereth all things. If you have the resources, being a working mom is perfectly feasible. If one can afford to hire supplemental folks to fill in the gaps, that work will inevitably create, she will do just fine balancing both. Add to this that she likely makes/controls her own schedule. It seems like a no-brainer to me. 

So then I started thinking about us, regular working moms, maybe even single, who don't have endless resources to ease the load in our attempts to balance life. Can we have both?  Can we be great moms and successful career women?  Do WE have to choose?  I mean has anyone without seven figures mastered the disaster that life can feel like when you have to leave work in the nick of time to beat the traffic to beat the 'Loser Mom' light that starts flashing a minute after the daycare's closing time. You can just visualize your baby waiting for his late mommy at the glass window like that monkey waiting for pick up in that meme...that last kid whose mother has not arrived on time. Let me just say that meme has to be one of the realest. I have been there. I know the feelings of guilt, failure, and defeat that rush in instantly when you feel like you're letting your kid down. "Here I am coming up short--once again." <Insert hand slap on head emoji> We immediately begin questioning ourselves around whether or not we are failing because we can't and will never be worthy of the picturesque glorified "room mom" title...as long as we want to stay sane and keep the lights on at home.

I am a mother of five. My first child was born when I was sixteen yours old--just out of the tenth grade. I have literally been a mother my ENTIRE adult life. As much as I loathe doing this, Let me just preface/qualify/explain just this once how much I love my kids. They keep me alive. They are my motivation, and I have the deepest respect, love, and admiration for each of them. There is no love like being a mother. A friend once told me, "Having a child is like having your heart walk outside of your body." We pour all of our hope and our resources into those little people. My big baby is twenty three and has made me a grandmother at forty (that's for a different blog post--insert agonizing emoji), and my youngest is three years old. He has opened a new chapter in my life as a child experiencing autism spectrum disorder (still a whole 'nother different blog post). Bottom line--I love their guts. There is no me without them. 

Now that we've gotten that out of the way... They are also the reason why I'm broke half the time and can't get a good night's sleep the other half. I have three girls in college and two little boys at home. My baby boy (whose dad insists he will not pay child support unless it is court ordered--still a whole 'nother 'nother different blog post. Shyt is about to get real on 4Colored Women) gets private speech therapy, needs full time daycare and a lunch and snack packed every day. I can barely make it out of the front door to my car in the morning without feeling like I'm rushing through the airport with fourteen suitcases, pushing a baby stroller and dragging a car seat! I can check nine times before I walk out and SOMEHOW I manage to leave something. Either it's  my water bottle, my lunch, my coffee, my gym bag, my make up (do it in the car) or something that I NEED. If you think I'm going to get out of this car, go back in the house, and get whatever the hell I left while I'm sitting here sweating and panting from managing to load up my car while carrying a kid with a tablet, I've got some land I want to sell you. Maybe this is only my crazy life?! If it is, just don't tell me.

So here's the kicker. Even with that fiasco being a fraction of the mayhem that goes on in a day, I believe I have both. I believe I am a successful career woman and a successful mother. Somewhere between Oprah, Iyanla, Joyce Meyer, T.D. Jakes, Brene Brown, Glennon Melton Doyle, and the list goes on, I learned that I am enough. I know for sure that there are even brighter days ahead and that one day I am going to marry my Boaz (like it says on my vision board), and he is going to help me out with some of this stuff. Still, I can say with all of the confidence I can muster that I am a success because I define success for me. It has only taken me twenty years to learn that my both is just that. It is mine. My children get the best version of family, love, and parenting FOR us.

It does not look like a fairy tale or anyone else's. It is a day-by-day experience. I have laid the chains of judgement and comparison down. This is my family's experience, and we are writing our story together. I don't lie to anyone. Some days are better than others. Some days have far more laughs and smiles, but even the days that are rough, are sufficient. I made a promise to my children when they were younger, "Mommy can not always make it for every performance or curriculum night. I am going to miss some things because of responsibilities I have in addition to being your mommy. I will ALWAYS be there when it counts."

Before I arrived in this space of self-acceptance, I used to beat myself up so bad, comparing myself to other women and moms. It was not until I founded a high school and observed the various versions of motherhood my students experienced, yet regardless of the differences among them, for better or for worst, they loved their mothers unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I realized then that this was what my children had been expressing to me all along, "You are perfect for us." Your children will mirror the love, encouragement, affection, and support that you pour into them since the day they arrive in this world. This is not about quantity, it is about quality and authenticity. 

Whether I was coming home late at night from doctoral studies or going out for my first leadership position, they were always cheering loudly. I remember them saying,  "Go for it, Mommy!" One night on our commute back home when they were younger, I started apologizing to my girls for not being able to be a better mother. They cut me off with a fierce loyalty I will never forget, "You have to be who you are meant to be! You have to go for it because that is who you are! You make me believe I can do anything because my mom has proven it over and over again!" Today, I can proudly say those three young ladies who grew up with me, are all in college doing their thing at some of the best universities this country has to offer. They are indeed going for it, and it is fulfilling to know that I have set one gritty example for them as a woman. 

So to you Miss Cardi B and to all of you mothers out there hustling to get all of your important jobs done, give yourself permission to keep it real with your children. Keeping it real is what people end up having respect for. You are creating their best life with them. In my family, we love and laugh hard. We are a team, and it is a critical part of our resilience and success. We always have been, and we always will be. We our doing life together. It is a process that won't be over until God calls us home.

We laugh. We hurt. We cry. We comfort. We triumph. We mourn. We get up again and again, growing and growing and growing. It is life, and I take great pleasure in reminding them that it is their job to outdo me when they become parents. They get to fix whatever they didn't like, so I remind them not to bother complaining. They should write it down so they will have notes to keep them on their toes in the future! 

Keeping it all the way real, and true, and free,

Garland Darling